Over the last year, it has become part of my thinking to look at myself in a calmer manner, with more distance from my emotions. The mutual respect I saw and felt during the Saturday sessions helped me a lot in many ways. I started to open up, practicing and building self confidence and trust. I see that I have changed, and it is great pleasure not wishing it, but to feel it in myself.

Now that the reopening has started, I recognized how much I tire myself out during the sessions. When I am leading, I can get annoyed when someone does not pay attention. I also did too much thinking after the session of what I could have done better. On the other hand, by being a participant at a session I tired myself out by watching, evaluating other people and myself. In the first month of the reopening, I caught myself looking for achievements. I was sad as I felt losing the calmness, self-confidence and softness of my practice during the lockdown.

So, I reflected on how I did things and how I felt. I made a decision to aim on not to tire myself out. As LITs we got clear instructions during the Saturday talks on how to lead a session. I take part in a group where we tell the stories of the Saturday sessions in Hungarian. There the task is so clear to pass on the talks. So, I decided to try this attitude when leading a session.

I reflected on what helped me to progress during the last two years. Firstly, I identified the trust in the organization and in his teachings. Secondly a feeling of an individual journey arose in me, a feeling of hope, lightness and freedom opened up. These feelings came from my experiences during many events where changes happened, like All Souls festival, listening to Saturday talks or working with other LITs in group.

I tried to prepare Saturday topics for the session and then I told the story as it was without hesitation. I also tried to think of the participants’ 10-year long term Taoist Tai Chi® journey and how I can help it. When I could practice these, I saw that my tasks became straight forward and few. There was more freedom, less control and worry. The session becomes restful this way.

As part of this slow shift in my LIT practice, my personal practice became more natural and deeper. I use curiosity to try what I saw during the session or to test the instructions myself. Somehow details get less important. My focus is not to tire myself out with thinking and trying, but to stay open. I started to enjoy the opening in my palms. Other times when my movements are stiff, I can reach back more easily to the trust of the FLK community.

I still have a hard time applying this lighthearted approach of resting during the sessions when being a participant, though I am searching for it. Maybe I could look for a restful feeling for the group, not for myself. I keep searching, and I am grateful for the advice to write reflections.