The question - During the pandemic, how has self practice changed you? - was an opportunity for reflection. As I sat down - pen to paper - I found I struggled finding concise language to describe the countless changes. On the surface the question was straightforward and direct, but as I attempted to find words describing experiences, discoveries and changes self practice brought I became aware I was over thinking.

What I do know is my regular self practice has changed me. Before the pandemic I was actively and enthusiastically involved in our organization. The pandemic meant gathering in person was discontinued, but group training and practice continued by zoom. This meant personal practice was to be self directed.

Over the past year and a half my self practice has deepened my awareness and understanding of internal sensations. Whether I am chanting, meditating, practicing the movements, serving on council, committees and, or other daily activities, I know they are all self practices which strengthen me as an individual. These feelings that arise, release worries and the stresses that accompanies them, are replaced by a letting go of physical and mental suffering, and are replaced by calm, effortless feelings of wellbeing.

Trust in his teachings as self practice have brought harmony, patience, balance, health and care not only for me, but, by extension, to my family, my community, my country and the world. How profound!

Thank you to the board for asking us to reflect on how self practice has changed us during the pandemic. Our reflections help us see where we have been, where we are and where our self practice will take us as we travel the path of the Tao.

As for my struggle writing this reflection, ... well, as I let go of worry, all became clear!

I’m coming to understand the role anxiety plays in my life. When I was pretty new to the organization, I’d sometimes go to a session after a particularly bad day at work. Like as not, the practice would feel clumsy. But by the end of the session, I’d notice that I was much less anxious. The tension must have been leaching out of me as the session was going on, but without me noticing as it was happening.

In the early days, my Leader in Training talked to us about Master Moy's teachings, but despite her efforts I had very little concept of them. I see now that my understanding was limited in some obvious ways. Sure, the session is great for stress relief, but I didn’t really think about applying the principles outside of that. And I was forever assessing how well I was doing the practice.

The next stage was seeing how my anxiety dropped when I went to retreats. But that too was a story of substantial anxiety followed by big relief. And I was doubly concerned with how well I was doing the practice.

Now I recognize that anxiety has frequently been present- albeit to a smaller degree. And that it isolates me from other people. Even when the level of anxiety is modest, that lack of connection has a substantial impact on me and on the people around me.

Sometimes I bring anxiety on myself, and by acting differently in these situations I can reduce it little by little. Recently I needed to set up a discussion with a few people. It wasn’t supposed to happen for several days, so there wasn’t a pressing need to draw up a list of topics and send an invitation. In the past, I probably would have put it off- for any number of reasons- and would have figured, in the absence of obvious consequences, that waiting didn’t cost anything.

On this occasion, I gave myself a nudge to go ahead and send the topics and the invitation as a courtesy to the others. Right away, I noticed a feeling of relaxation. This tells me that in the past, when I had time to do a task but put it off, there has been an “anxiety cost”.

How is it that I’m only learning this now after so many years in the organization? During the pandemic there’s less clamor, so it’s easier to notice subtle things. And when people have talked about anxiety in the Saturday morning zoom sessions, that’s been very helpful- making me realize that just about everyone deals with anxiety; helping me understand that I need to work on it steadily and thereby reduce anxiety little by little, rather than expecting to conquer anxiety once and for all. For weeks I was thinking maybe the experience I cited with the meeting agenda was too trivial to share. But the Saturday morning discussions have also given me the sense that this is how it works: find a way to be 1% better, day after day.